Sharing bits of childhood hurts and Gods work and love through it all ....

[Michelle Polley]

Not sure why I am sharing this or if I truly should .. I didn't wake up thinking today I would tell any and all who would listen this story, but was lead here this morning and something in me is demanding I share ...
It isn't as if it is a pretty story or anything it is ugly and disgusting and for me I would say very hurtful ... It shows what man it capable of and and I believe what Satan is capable of ...
However in it all there is God as well ... I don't tell my story often hardly ever as I have been told I didn't see what I thought I saw and so forth, but again I didn't wake up and say hey I'm telling my story, but here I am ....
This will likely be a long post I am very long winded for starter and it's hard to tell a story in writing and it not be long ... Please excuse any miss spelled words as well ....

This began when I was 5 and a half years old and continued till I was 8 ... My mother left my father when I was 3 and my brother was 2 we moved to Texas from Florida were my mother a couple of years later met a man whom I came to call daddy ... He neither earn that title or deserved it but was given it all the same ...
You know I have loved God for as long as I can rememeber I'm told that children don't know him at age 5 we don't understand and so forth , but I say that is a lie straight from the pits of hell for at the age of 5 I knew the Lord I knew him and loved him deeply ...
He wasn't preached to us or anything he was just there we had a family bible and I would hold that book to me and just know it was special ... Later a church came by and asked my mom if they could pick me and my brother up every Sunday for Sunday school that is when I came to understand what that book was about ...
My stepdad and four other men in his family and friends molestaded me my stepdad did so till I was 8 years old ... I wont go into great details no need for that just a few areas that have changed my life ...

One night I was staying at my stepdads moms house me and my brother and cousin all stayed over we all slept in the livingroom on the floor, she had a man who rented a room from her and he came and went as he wanted ... Well it was really late one night when he got home and he snuck into the livingroom and woke me and began ro mess with me, he was a really big man around close to 300 pounds during it I began to pray all at once I saw this light in the corner of the room it didn't wake anyone or anything but I saw it and to this day believe it was Jesus I believed it then and still do ... I have been told that I was being smothered when the man was on me and that is where the light came from and I even had one person tell me it wasn't Jesus but it could have been an Angel ... I saw Jesus all I know is that no sooner did he appear the guy got off of me and never once bothered me or touched me didn't even speak to me truth is that shortly after that he moved and I never saw him again ...

Just months before I would speak to a friend about not wanting my mom and stepdad to get back together that though I loved my dad I didn't want them to get back together cause I didn't like what dads did to thier daughter it hurt to much and I just rather not have a dad than to keep hurting like that .... For I thought all dads did that I didn't know no one ever told me different ... Anyhow months before my mom had read me this book about girls and what thier body goes through after a certain age and so forth I was truly to young I guess you could say to truly understand it I however understood that if you had sex a certain way you could get pregnat ... To this day that is the only part of the book I rememeber my mom reading ...
And to this day I stand fast in saying that is the only part of the book God intended on me hearing .... You know everyone always wonders why God let things happen and so forth I don't understand why he did and I can drive myself crazy wondering ... I don't know but I do know that God was with me every step of the way ... Just weeks after my mom read that book to me my stepdad came and got me out of bed he did this every morning after my mom left to go to work but this morning was different because before then when my stepdad came for me he would sodomize me but this morning he had decided I guess that I was old enough or strong enough or I don't know what he was thinking but he was going to do it the way a woman can get pregnat ... I rememeber being really scared not about him hurting me or being caught doing something wrong or anything but of getting pregnat me at 8 years old scared of getting pregnat this shouldn't have even been happening to begin with and yet I'm scared of getting pregnat .... And I told him no you can't momma said I can get pregnat if I do that it scared him I can't explain it you would have had to be there to see his face and so forth but it scared him .... He didn't molestate me in that manner I mean he continued but as he had always done, I say he was scared and you might think he wasn't as he continues as he had always done but he left me alone for a short while and then only bothered me a couple more times before he and my mom spilt up ...

Now I tell you these things for there is a reason that light that to this day I still believe was Jesus that light has kept me going all my life... When things have been so bad and I just wanted to end it I would rememeber Jesus showing up and saving me ... You have to understand it wasn't just a light it was the peace I felt the joy the feeling of being safe something wonderful and awsome you don't just fell that way about just any light ...
And no the abuse didn't stop right then and there when i told my stepdad about what my mother had read to me about getting pregnat but after all them years of being sodomize then just weeks before my stepdad was to change things God ensured my mom read that book to me and the only part I was to truly understand was about getting pregnat I say was his plan ... Again I can't explain why the abuse was allowed but I know God was with me ever step of the way and he kept me whole and safe ... Who knows what might have happened how hurt or what damage may have come had he succeeded ...

When I finally found out it was wrong what my stepdad was doing and we told the police I asked my mom why did this happen why did James my stepdad and all the other guys do this, she didn't know how to answer and so she said what she thought would i guess make things easier for me and maybe even for herself she said I don't know but God has his reason for everything ....
Please don't think ugly of my mom if you have made it this far into my story for truly she did just as God wanted ... For in having said that I didn't blame my mom I didn't even blame my stepdad and anyone else who had abused me for it wasn't them but God who was responsible for all this ...
Granted I know now that isn't true about God being responsible but the good Lord has huge shoulders and can carry much and he was willing to carry that for me and my mom till I was able to truly understand ...
I didn't have to battle hate or anger or any other emotion that some have to battle for I blamed no one but God ... As I always say it was a battle between me and God and we all know that in the end The Lord always wins .... I am here because of him no life isn't easy I don't have everything I want and I still have struggles and disappointments and heartaches, but I know he is there with me, always has been always will be ...

I don't tell this story to have you feeling sorry for me I have done that enough in my lifetime I tell it because no matter what one is going through he is there ... There are so many more times I could tell you as to him being there but it would truly make this a very very very long story ...
He is there you may still have to go through the pain and all but he is there and if you just trust in him he will see you through ... I am not a better person for what i have gone through I am a better person for having trusted God while going through it ... For believeing in him against all odds ...

I have been told that I didn't believe right well I have been told that more than once one reason is because as i said it was a battle between me and God not my father or any one else that hurt me or didn't protect me ... I did alot of shouting and crying and blaming and so forth for a long time those were my prayers I didn't pray sweetly or get on my knees and speak gently I was on my knees screaming and cusing and so ugly demanding and oh so much more and do you know that all the while he was sitting there right beside me stroking my hair listening and loving me whole heartedly .... He loved me when I thought I hated him when I told him over and over and over again he loved me he never left me and he kept me safe from myself he loved me even though I tried I don't know how many times to push him away I didn't want him I didn't want his love or his help he loved me never ever once did he leave my side ...

A preacher once told me I couldn't be forgiven my sins till I forgave he thought it was my stepdad I was having to forgive but again it wasn't, God had taken that from me when he allowed my mother to blame him ... What an awsome God we serve ... Can you amagine thinking you have to forgive God ... Oh thank you Sweet Jesus thank you Lord God for you truly are awsome ...
Do you know I think my true blessing is that I can see God in my life in the good and the bad ... No one said life would be easy as christian some believe it should be but the truth is it isn't .... But he loves us we are all sinners but he loves us ....

Once last thing I get lost in my own back yard so traveling anywhere for me can be a chore and when I do get lost I lose it sometimes I mean I really lose it for the most part I don't have to travel much or I haven't had to for sometime ... My last travel I got really upset and this may sound bad or wrong and so forth to you but this is what happen I got so mad I started being ugly I even went so far as to tell God I know when this is all done and over with I will have to say sorry to you so why do you make me go through this ... This is what came of that when all was said and done .... I hadn't gone to God in a long time hadn't shared anything with him prayed over nothing I hadnt included him in nothing ... So God took me on a trip so I would have no choice but to seek him even if it was in anger I still went to him as he knew I would ....

Well I will close now again I don't know why I shared any of this I kept waiting for a feeling or something to make me stop and erase but it hasn't came so I will put it forth .... Just know we serve a Awsome and Wonderful God and he loves us no matter what even in our anger he is there and through it all we are loved and very much wanted ....